Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Truth

The truth is this month is hard. I have struggled to except on February 13th 4 years ago we lost a baby at 20 weeks . Our first son . He was perfect in every way. There was no reason my placenta came off the wall of my uterus. There was nothing left but the pain and not understanding how this child, my child died inside of me .

Every year since we have been crazy busy with other healthy pregnancies, moving across the country and back,the blessing and struggles of raising a family but this year was different. We were back in Seattle where we loved. We had life under control. We have adjusted to having 2 children . This year it hit me like a ton of bricks. The idea that we are missing that child was so hard.

My husband struggles at knowing what I can handle.So he didn't even mention it .It is rarely mentioned anyway. But this day I needed him to say something. Just anything but the day went on like nothing and I couldn't bring myself to say anything about it .

After a few freak outs about dishes,laundry, and things that doesnt really matter.

Tears shed for no reason he acknowledged we could have done something if I wanted . That all I had to do was say something . All I could do was yell at him and say " I needed you to say something."

He didnt understand. I could see it in his face.

He wanted to understand but then I couldnt explain it . I cant really explain it now.


  1. I'm so sorry. I can not imagine the pain you went through and are still going through. I wish there was something I could say or do that would lessen the pain, but I know the reality is that nothing I could say or do would lessen the pain. I'll send my positive thoughts your way.

  2. Roxanne,

    The most important thing that you both can do today is talk, talk about the child you had both hoped for and lost despite nothing you could have done to prevent it. Tell him what you need from him. Trust me, after dealing with many of my own, men need to know exactly what we want, and I know you just want him to understand that need all on his own, but God didn't make them that way.

    It's why he said its not good for man to be alone so I will make a helper suitable for him. We were meant to compliment and complete one another in areas where we will always come up short. The longer you wait to explain your feelings to more resentment will build inside because he doesn't know what you need.

    Then the more time that passes throughout the day, the more angry you will feel. Better to sit down, or go someplace quiet and just talk and remember. Come together and be the couple that God has truly blessed you to be. It won't take the pain away for today but it will provide a helpmate that can help you carry that burden! Praying for you!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat