The Truth

The truth is this month is hard. I have struggled to except on February 13th 4 years ago we lost a baby at 20 weeks . Our first son . He was perfect in every way. There was no reason my placenta came off the wall of my uterus. There was nothing left but the pain and not understanding how this child, my child died inside of me .

Every year since we have been crazy busy with other healthy pregnancies, moving across the country and back,the blessing and struggles of raising a family but this year was different. We were back in Seattle where we loved. We had life under control. We have adjusted to having 2 children . This year it hit me like a ton of bricks. The idea that we are missing that child was so hard.

My husband struggles at knowing what I can handle.So he didn't even mention it .It is rarely mentioned anyway. But this day I needed him to say something. Just anything but the day went on like nothing and I couldn't bring myself to say anything about it .

After a few freak outs about dishes,laundry, and things that doesnt really matter.

Tears shed for no reason he acknowledged we could have done something if I wanted . That all I had to do was say something . All I could do was yell at him and say " I needed you to say something."

He didnt understand. I could see it in his face.

He wanted to understand but then I couldnt explain it . I cant really explain it now.

What is too much ?

I am having some personal real life issues . I am wanting to use my blog to vent about the struggles of being a mom, wife and real women . But where should the line be drawn ?

Is telling you my marriage is struggling, too much ? That we are fighting and what about too much ?

Is allowing the public read my personal struggles as finding the balance between two kids and how sometimes I fail so terribly bad fail too much ? We have started to use time out and it hurts. I feel like a failure but when my son inflicts pain on my daughter I dont know what else to do . Is allowing you to read that too much .

My mother always said you should never write down anything too personal . My mother in law seems to think personal should remain personal and that many of our secrets should be that and kept within families . For me I want to vent . I want to write to you all about my life, the good, the bad and the very true reality of the ugly .

But then if I allow myself to be so out there I allow you to judge me . To judge me for allowing my 3 year old to have a bottle because well I dont want to fight him about it . To judge me for eating McDonalds two days in a row because I was to lazy to cook. To judge me for yelling at my husband when he didnt deserve it and for the time he did .

Where do you find that balance ?

Mean and Harsh

I know that some people dont believe there is any link to autism and vaccines. I know this is a highly sensative topic for people . But where should the line be drawn ? I am sad tonight to read a thread that was posted on facebook . People were bashed, names were called and I am sure tears were shed .

I do believe there is a link, you take children with lower immune systems and pump them full of chemicals and I do believe there bodies re-act to it . I am intitled to this belief. I choose not to vaccinate my children and I also choose to not judge you if you do . Why do people who choose to vaccinate there children believe they have the right to judge me for not vaccinating ?

I dont care what Jenny McCarthy says or some random scientist says. I believe what I see, I believe what mother's of struggling children say . Why is it so hard for the medical field to listen to mothers? To people who are living with autism everyday ?

Shouldnt they be the ones we hear and listen to ? Why do scientists believe that one study tells them everything ?

I am so sad for all the families that struggle daily like we do . I know many more struggle more then us and less then us . But I think every family with children who have autism can agree on one thing . Our children are amazing and no label will change that .

Unschooling

This is a post I have been wanting to do for so long now .

A post of thoughts, beliefs and ideas.

For those of you that dont know unschooling means so much but to me it means The process of learning, the process of knowing yourself, openness, confidence, self-determination, independent thinking, critical thinking....none of which one gets when following other people's agenda. Making one's own agenda is what it is all about.

Specially with Riaan being my special child I want him to see the world his own way .I want him to show me the world in his special way.


I believe that unschooling allows our children to explore what they want while us as parents, teachers and friends show them everything is a learning experience . We are trying to teach Riaan color's .

Today's unschooling lesson :

Riaan " dog "

me " black dog "

Riaan " dog "

me " black dog "

Lesson learned not just a dog but a black dog.We took an everyday situation and turned it into a learning experience . I hope my special boy gets to learn everyday in his own way at home with me after his speech catch's up .

The Right Road

We are searching for the right road.

We wished it wouldnt happen.

We feel blessed it didnt happen sooner.

We are nervous about what the future has to hold.

So many men and women before him have had to face this .

My husband has lost his job.

He was laid off.

I dont work .

We have 2 small children .

We are searching for the right road .

School ?

Take whatever job is available ?

Should I go back to work ?

The possibilities and the uncertainty are facing us straight ahead.

We are looking for the right road.

When it Rains....

It pours around here. First my kids have been so sick . What am I suppose to do keep them caged up so we dont get sick ? Fever's over 103 for 2 days , puking all over everything, and well a mean grump of a sleep deprived mama is what this house has been experiencing . It seems the overall feeling around our home and homes of our friends is that we are ready for spring .

Please let winter and cold season be over.

We did manage to get out and play some last week, look at this sweet handsome size of 5 year old but is actually only 2 little man. He was so excited to hang out in the woods with his mama and nana to explore .